Depression is seemingly a never ending battle, it haunts me even, like a death sentence or cancer diagnosis. Not knowing when you wake whether it will be a bad day or a worse day. ” Just get to tonight and you can go back to sleep” I tell myself.
However, there is a moment, a calm in the eye of the storm moment, when you feel at peace.
Smiling with your heart, head, and cheeks. A smile so big it radiates, and illuminates others. It’s a care free moment without fears of what’s to come or sadness of what’s been done. Without overwhelming obligations or burdensome tasks.
This moment is like a potent fragrance that you can still smell on your clothes. It’s on a shirt you refuse to wash because you no longer have the perfume. But long to get back, except they don’t make it anymore.
It’s rolling in the grass, twirling and jumping around freely, nothing matters and you are flying. It’s a field of flowers, a sunset over the water, a smooth breeze brushing across your face, the rainbow after the rain. A reminder of the promise that things will not always be this way.
I am in search of another moment like this, I imagine being held hostage by depression and this moment is above me wondering where I went but cannot locate my muffled screams and attempts to break free.
Because of THIS moment I know there is life beyond this. And I will continue to fight! I will give em hell! Tooth and nail. And my momma taught me if they’re bigger than me pick up a chair. My God told me if there’s a giant grab a rock! I ain’t going down without a fight. I’d hate to have to explain why I lost, because I was taught if I get beat up, imma get beat twice.
Tonight I am imagining my moment, and this writing is my chair, and my rock. Tonight I win the battle, and I will continue fighting in what seems like a war.
This is my Memorial Day, for all of those who have fought in the war against depression. Those especially who have lost their battle after coming home from fighting for this country. This ones for you!